There should really be a book written
about the amount of emotions and ground-breaking realizations that happen while
one is waiting for a massive life change to occur. These last few weeks have been insane. Busy?
Yes. Stressful? Definitely yes. Bizarrely intriguing? Absolutely!
I just finished packing everything into
one suitcase. Not by any means an easy
task, mind you. Here’s a picture of my
room after I cleaned it.
It’s a strange feeling knowing that
you’re going to be living somewhere for 5 months and all that you will ever
have with you is what you can carry by yourself. It’s two parts “Dude, I’m like, Indiana
Jones!” and one part “Oh snap! I better not forget anything” But beyond the silly little fears about
remembering what to bring and what to leave behind, over the past few weeks I
began to notice that there was a deeper unsettled fear that I couldn’t quite
put my finger on.
I was recently asked what the biggest
challenges have been so far as I have begun this journey. Two things immediately came to mind. 1) What
I spoke about briefly in my previous blog about rejoicing, and 2) trusting God.
This
world can teach some pretty interesting lessons about trust. For me personally I have known for a long
time I generally try not to trust others unless it is absolutely
necessary. I think that comes from not
only a fear of one’s trust being broken, but also a sort of “lone-wolf” sense
of pride. If I don’t trust anyone, then
technically I don’t need anyone, right?
BY NO MEANS! (lol Romans 6:2 joke). I definitely bought into the lie very early
that if I do it by myself it somehow makes me stronger. When in actuality it just means that I don’t
have the courage to live in fellowship with those around me. I’ve since learned that is okay and, in fact,
good to put my trust in my friends.
Otherwise I discount the gifts that they have to give: kindness,
generosity, a listening ear, and sometimes a couch for the night.
But
trusting God is a whole different matter. It begins with realizing that He is sovereign
and ends with realizing His unfathomable love for us. And surprisingly enough I thought I had this
down. I was sitting on the couch praying
and thinking about all the things I still had to do and prepare for before I
start on this mission. I knew I was
afraid but I didn’t know exactly why.
Then I wrote in my journal, “God I trust you and your perfect plan for
my life, but I’m afraid I’ll screw it up.”
I decided to just wait and listen.
After several minutes of waiting (Keith Jarrett’s jazz piano playing
softly in the background) a phrase came to mind: “Remain in me.” I picked up my bible and started turning to
John 15, one of my favorite passages that had been my youth group’s focus verse
when we went on our mission trip to the Twin Cities. When I finally got there I read the whole
chapter about God being the true vine and us being the branches. As I read I thought about the possible ways I
might ruin God’s plans for me. Two
sections stuck out to me that I had never noticed before.
“You
are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you.” John 15:3
…and
“I
no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s
business. Instead, I have called you
friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to
you. You did not choose me, but I chose
you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will
last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give to you.” John
15:15-16
These verses hit me. I, as a disciple and follower of Christ, have
been brought into a friendship with Christ in which He has given me a special
role and has shared His “business” with me.
Me! Little messed up me. It also says that I have already been made clean through the very words He has spoken to
me. And not only that, but it goes
on. It says He chose me and appointed me
for this everlasting work. Jesus
believes in me even when I don’t see anything good in myself.
Furthermore, because the Lord always
gives more than we can ever ask, His mercy goes a step further. He does not expect us to muster our own
strength with which we will go and “bear fruit.” He GIVES us what we need in order to do this
work. Also in John 15:4 “Remain in me,
as I also remain in you. No branch can
bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit
unless you remain in me.” I have been
made especially for a purpose. But this
purpose can only be fully fulfilled through a relationship with my one and true
King. It is through remaining in His
perfect will that I find the strength to do what is right. It is through Him that I face all the
anxieties in a day.
