The Deep Breath Before the Plunge

There should really be a book written about the amount of emotions and ground-breaking realizations that happen while one is waiting for a massive life change to occur.  These last few weeks have been insane. Busy? Yes. Stressful?  Definitely yes.  Bizarrely intriguing? Absolutely!

I just finished packing everything into one suitcase.  Not by any means an easy task, mind you.  Here’s a picture of my room after I cleaned it. 

It’s a strange feeling knowing that you’re going to be living somewhere for 5 months and all that you will ever have with you is what you can carry by yourself.  It’s two parts “Dude, I’m like, Indiana Jones!” and one part “Oh snap! I better not forget anything”  But beyond the silly little fears about remembering what to bring and what to leave behind, over the past few weeks I began to notice that there was a deeper unsettled fear that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. 

I was recently asked what the biggest challenges have been so far as I have begun this journey.  Two things immediately came to mind. 1) What I spoke about briefly in my previous blog about rejoicing, and 2) trusting God.

            This world can teach some pretty interesting lessons about trust.  For me personally I have known for a long time I generally try not to trust others unless it is absolutely necessary.  I think that comes from not only a fear of one’s trust being broken, but also a sort of “lone-wolf” sense of pride.  If I don’t trust anyone, then technically I don’t need anyone, right?  BY NO MEANS!  (lol Romans 6:2 joke).  I definitely bought into the lie very early that if I do it by myself it somehow makes me stronger.  When in actuality it just means that I don’t have the courage to live in fellowship with those around me.  I’ve since learned that is okay and, in fact, good to put my trust in my friends.  Otherwise I discount the gifts that they have to give: kindness, generosity, a listening ear, and sometimes a couch for the night.

            But trusting God is a whole different matter.  It begins with realizing that He is sovereign and ends with realizing His unfathomable love for us.  And surprisingly enough I thought I had this down.  I was sitting on the couch praying and thinking about all the things I still had to do and prepare for before I start on this mission.  I knew I was afraid but I didn’t know exactly why.  Then I wrote in my journal, “God I trust you and your perfect plan for my life, but I’m afraid I’ll screw it up.”  I decided to just wait and listen.  After several minutes of waiting (Keith Jarrett’s jazz piano playing softly in the background) a phrase came to mind: “Remain in me.”  I picked up my bible and started turning to John 15, one of my favorite passages that had been my youth group’s focus verse when we went on our mission trip to the Twin Cities.   When I finally got there I read the whole chapter about God being the true vine and us being the branches.  As I read I thought about the possible ways I might ruin God’s plans for me.  Two sections stuck out to me that I had never noticed before.  

           

            “You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you.” John 15:3

            …and

            “I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business.  Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.  You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give to you.” John 15:15-16

These verses hit me.  I, as a disciple and follower of Christ, have been brought into a friendship with Christ in which He has given me a special role and has shared His “business” with me.  Me!  Little messed up me.  It also says that I have already been made clean through the very words He has spoken to me.  And not only that, but it goes on.  It says He chose me and appointed me for this everlasting work.   Jesus believes in me even when I don’t see anything good in myself. 

Furthermore, because the Lord always gives more than we can ever ask, His mercy goes a step further.  He does not expect us to muster our own strength with which we will go and “bear fruit.”  He GIVES us what we need in order to do this work.  Also in John 15:4 “Remain in me, as I also remain in you.  No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.”  I have been made especially for a purpose.  But this purpose can only be fully fulfilled through a relationship with my one and true King.  It is through remaining in His perfect will that I find the strength to do what is right.  It is through Him that I face all the anxieties in a day.